Most people avoid getting feedback—after all, who wants to hear uncomfortable truths?
However, sidestepping honest feedback can have consequences, sometimes on a massive scale.
Without feedback, you miss insights that can help you:
break ineffective habits
improve self-awareness
correct others’ misperceptions about you
understand where you stand with your boss
repair frayed relationships
Why are we afraid of getting feedback?
Our survival instinct generates a number of fears—fear of rejection, loss aversion, social anxieties, and fear of change.
Our brains, in an attempt to protect us, often freeze us into the status quo, locking us into a protective cocoon of self-esteem.
On top of these fears, we have cognitive biases that are eager to interfere with asking for feedback. For example, imposter syndrome makes us worry that seeking feedback will expose us as frauds, and confirmation bias leads us to only seek out information that reinforces what we already believe.
Getting feedback can be uncomfortable, triggering emotional discomfort known as “social pain.” This discomfort often discourages us from asking for feedback.
However, as a manager, you must solicit feedback to make course corrections and be effective. While your mind may resist rocking the feedback boat, failing to get feedback can leave you on a dangerous path, heading straight for the rocks.
Let’s avoid those old-fashioned ways of seeking feedback and instead use brain-friendly techniques that won’t catch us off guard. Here are some tips to make the process easier. Practice these regularly, and they’ll soon feel comfortable and habitual.
Tips for getting feedback
1. Ask for micro-feedback and keep it simple
Instead of requesting broad feedback, seek input on a specific task or action, like, “How did you feel about my approach in yesterday’s meeting?” These smaller, more focused requests make it easier for others to respond and for you to mentally process.
2. Expand your feedback providers
Don’t just ask for feedback from direct reports or bosses. People on the periphery, like receptionists, often have unique insights into team dynamics. Gathering feedback from various levels gives you a fuller picture of potential problems and solutions.
3. Make feedback a requirement
When feedback is expected, it becomes less intimidating. Consider asking your direct reports for feedback every two weeks. This regularity can reduce the sting of critique for both parties.
4. Use non-threatening questions
Phrasing questions in a non-threatening way, like “If you were me, what would you do?” invites participation without feeling critical. Open-ended questions reduce defensiveness and encourage thoughtful responses.
5. Ask for feedback on getting feedback
Elicit ideas from others on how you can best receive feedback. Once they’ve suggested a channel, they’ll be more comfortable using it. For example, you might ask, “How would you feel most comfortable giving me pointers or comments?”
6. Do reverse check-ins
Incorporate a few minutes into your meetings for employees to ask you questions about your priorities or challenges. This practice builds trust and gives employees insight into your thinking.
7. Use the future tense
Framing feedback with a future focus, like “How should I handle this going forward?” reduces the perception of blame and encourages solutions.
8. Use “I noticed” statements
When you see someone particularly engaged, ask them for advice based on their involvement. “I noticed you seemed interested in X—what do you think I could do to improve next time?”
9. Take a deep breath when receiving feedback
Deep breaths help calm your nervous system, making it easier to process feedback without reacting defensively. Remember to thank the feedback giver afterward.
10. Detach feedback from your values
Recognize that feedback is about behaviors, not who you are. Detaching emotionally allows you to see feedback objectively.
11. Ask for general suggestions, not self-criticism
Request improvement suggestions on processes or policies rather than your personal performance. This way, feedback becomes less personal and more solution-focused.
12. Use “what would it take” questions
Questions like “What would it take to build more trust in our unit?” prompt deeper thinking and help uncover core issues.
13. Drop the word “feedback”
Substitute it with words like “suggestions,” “advice,” or “tips.” This subtle change makes people more open to sharing.
14. Practice makes perfect
Make feedback a regular habit. The more you practice giving and receiving it, the easier it becomes.
15. Start immediately
Implementing these techniques is straightforward and doesn’t require permission. Start today to see how painless feedback can be. You may discover an issue before it becomes your next big problem.
Feedback doesn’t have to be daunting
By adopting brain-friendly techniques, you can make it painless. These 15 tips will help you embrace feedback, and turn it into a personal and professional improvement tool. So don’t wait—start today and discover how feedback can positively impact your career.
I've gathered this thinking into the fully updated second edition of my book, Certainty: How Great Bosses Can Change Minds and Drive Innovation. It turns the science of human behavior into practical tools for giving and receiving brain-friendly feedback, including the new 13 Human Nature Levers. Paperback and Kindle are available here.
Until next time,
Mike